Now What?

Sexual abuse is when a child is used for sexual pleasure by an adolescent or adult.  It may involve both non-touching and touching behaviors.

Non-touching behaviors may involve the perpetrator making sexual comments toward the child.  The perpetrator may also expose him/herself—often called flashing.  The perpetrator may show adult or child pornography to the child.

Touching behaviors may include inappropriate kissing, touching of genitals, oral sex, digital,  object, or penile penetration.  The perpetrator may perform these acts on the child.  The perpetrator may also make the child perform these acts on the perpetrator.

The perpetrator may also make photographs or videos of these acts.

Offenders choose to do what they do for a variety of reasons.  Some perpetrators are sexually attracted to children.  These perpetrators sometimes believe that these feelings are mutual—that the child is sexually attracted to the perpetrator also.  Some perpetrators abuse children because it gives them a sense of control and power.  These types of perpetrators sometimes physically and emotionally abuse a spouse.  Other perpetrators may abuse a child simply because they were given an opportunity—the child just happened to, “be there.”  If an adult were there, they may have sexually assaulted the adult.  A perpetrator may abuse for multiple reasons.  In other words, they would fall under several categories.

Many caregivers ask if the perpetrator’s victimization as a child plays a role.  It is true that many perpetrators were abused themselves as children.  However, there are also perpetrators who were not abused as children.  In any case, there is no excuse for the perpetrator’s behavior with your child.

Without treatment, the abuser will likely continue inappropriate behaviors with other children.  The perpetrator may, at times, feel “bad” about his/her actions.  However, these feelings rarely prevent the perpetrator from victimizing more children.

As a caregiver, your primary concern should be the physical and emotional well-being of your child.  Regardless of why the abuser decided to target your child, your child will be dependant on your support to make it through this difficult time.

Research has suggested that duration, type, and severity of the abuse as well as the victim/perpetrator relationship all play a role in how well a child heals from the abuse.  However, more recent information suggests that these factors do not play as large a role as once believed.  Now, there is evidence that the #1 factor which determines how well a child heals from abuse is support from the primary caregiver.  This research also suggests that support from the child’s biological mother is the most important.

What does this mean?  It means no matter what happened to your child… how long it happened… how many times it happened…  who the perpetrator was… Your child has a very good chance of healing from the abuse, as long as he/she has support from you.

Hindsight, like we say, is always 20/20.  However, almost all warning signs of sexual abuse are also warning signs for other things.  In fact, most warning signs for sexual abuse are seen in all children from time to time—even if they have not been abused.  Children will, at some point, likely have a problem with bedwetting.  Most children will, at some point, have trouble in school.  Most children will have changes in eating habits or go through a period of difficulty in sleeping or having nightmares.  Other behaviors that occur in almost all children include:  tantrums, mood swings, feeling sad, aggressiveness, etc., etc.

You may have noticed some of these symptoms or expected that something was wrong, but sexual abuse was probably not your first thought.  At some point, your child may have expressed a dislike for the perpetrator.  “I don’t like __.  He’s mean.” Or, “I don’t want to see __ today.”

Perhaps you did not notice any warning signs.  If this is the case, the perpetrator’s process of building trust with you and your child was so gradual and calculated that very subtle changes took place unnoticed—and most likely over an extended period of time.

It is important to realize that the perpetrator manipulated you as much as he/she manipulated your child.  The perpetrator may have tricked you into believing that he/she could be trusted.  The perpetrator probably tricked your child into keeping the abuse a secret.

As a caregiver, do not blame yourself for what happened.  The sad fact is that no parent can absolutely prevent their child from being abused.  Any child, no matter how much they have been taught about preventing abuse, can become a victim.  Remember—the perpetrator is 100% responsible.

Talking with your child about what happened will likely be difficult for you.  Caregivers often ask, “What should I say?”  “What should I not say?”  “What if my child doesn’t want to talk about it?”  Relax.  Your thoughts and questions are normal.

Many caregivers ask, “Should I bring up the subject about what happened or should I wait for the child?”  The answer is:  Yes.  From time to time, tell your child, “When you want to talk about what happened with __, then just let me know and I’ll be happy to talk to you about it.”  Then, back off.  This lets your child know that you are willing to listen and are willing to let them decide when/what to tell.  When your child is ready, he/she will begin the conversation. 

When talking with your child about the abuse, it is important to remember that children do not think like adults.  You should try your best to talk at the child’s level, but not “down to” the child’s level.  It is also important to watch your child’s actions as well as to listen to his/her words.

When your child is talking about what happened, you should show nothing but love to your child.  Focus on what the child is saying and deal with your emotions later.  You must be positive and open to the child’s feelings.  At this point, your job is to listen.

As the child is talking to you about the abuse, do not ask for details.  Your child will tell you what he/she wants you to know and when he/she wants you to know.  If you ask for details, your child may feel pressured and may become reluctant to talk to you again later.  Remember, allow the child to talk at his/her own pace.  Most likely, your child will begin with general statements about what happened and will go into more detail later.  The statements may come at random and may not be more than a few sentences.  As a caregiver, you must also acknowledge that there may be information that your child may never tell you.

As your child is talking, all you need to do is let the child know that you are listening.  A simple, OK, and then what…, a nod, or a caring smile allows the child to understand that what they are saying is OK to talk about.  When the child looks to you for a response or you feel it is appropriate, reassure the child with statements like:

·        “I believe what you are saying.”

·        “That was not your fault.”

·        “None of the things that have happened since you told are your fault.”  (e.g., having to move, changes in lifestyle, disruption of relationships, other events that have stemmed from the disclosure, etc., etc.)

·        “I’m glad that you have told.”

·        “You are safe now.”

·        “You are loved.  I love you.”

·        “I’m proud of you.”

·        “You are very brave.”

Also, repeat your child’s statement back to him/her.  “Uncle Jim made you feel yucky.”    Again, remember not to ask questions that probe for details.  In the long run, your child will likely say more by being questioned less.

At some point, your child will ask questions.  Be honest.  Most importantly, if you do not know the answer, tell the child this.  “I’m not sure, but if you’d like, I will ask __ and he/she will probably have an answer to that.”  Follow up with the question by asking the professionals that are working with you and your child.

As the child is talking about what happened, you may feel disgusted if not at least uncomfortable.  This is normal.  However, do not over-react to what the child says.  Some things to AVOID include statements that convey your disgust, shock, or anger.  Avoid statements like, “Oh, that’s gross.”  Be aware of your facial expressions and body language that could convey this thought also—even the youngest children can read facial expressions and body language.  If you use statements or make expressions that convey disgust, shock, or anger, your child may believe that the subject is something that should not be discussed.  From the child’s perspective, he/she may think, “Daddy’s mad/angry/sad about what I’m talking about so I better not talk about this.”

During these difficult times, you may feel shocked, angry, guilty, overwhelmed, regretful, enraged, scared, embarrassed.  At times, your emotions will likely conflict with each other.  Your feelings may change from day to day.  This is normal and is experienced by almost all caregivers who are dealing with similar situations.

It is important to share your feelings with someone who can offer support—a close friend, relative, counselor, social worker, etc.

It is a better idea not to share these feelings with your child unless you are doing so in the presence/under the guidance of a professional (counselor, etc.).  Children have difficulty understanding that you are angry at the perpetrator  for what happened and not angry with the child.  Your child may feel that he/she is somewhat responsible because they were involved in what happened.

If you were abused as a child, do not tell your child this now for the first time.  It may seem beneficial for the child to know this, but in some situations this is not the case.  Consult a professional before you tell your child that you were abused.  They will be able to consider you and your child’s particular situation and determine if/when this should be appropriate and how to do it.

At some point, you may find yourself angry with your child—most likely for not telling right away.  As a caregiver, this is normal.  NEVER allow your child to know that you feel anger towards them.  NEVER ask your child why they allowed the abuse to happen or why they did not tell.  Most likely, your child has already asked him/herself these questions and feels a great deal of shame.  Asking these questions will only make the child feel more guilty.

Remember that it was not your child’s fault for what happened.  The perpetrator may have used tricks and/or threats to keep your child from telling.  Children’s concepts of right/wrong, good/bad are different than that of adults.  To a child, people are either good or bad.  There is no “gray” zone in the middle and a person can not be both good and bad.  Your child was probably very confused when the abuse was going on.  If the perpetrator used threats, those threats were very real to your child—children tend to believe what authority figures say.  They simply could not figure out what to do because such a “nice” person (good) was doing something that seemed wrong (bad).

Like you, your child is going through a wide range of emotions.  Shock, numbness, confusion:  “Why is this happening to me?”  Anger:  “They should not have done that to me.”  Fear:  “Could it happen again?”  Guilt:  “I should have told.  It’s my fault.”  The list goes on…

Some children will seem unaffected by the abuse.  However, these feelings are likely being held inside.

It is important to be very observant to what your child is expressing.  Ask yourself the following questions and consult a professional:

·        What is my child expressing with words?

·        What is my child expressing with actions?

·        Do I feel that I understand my child’s feelings?

Sometimes, a child’s words may not convey exactly what the child is feeling.  For example, a child may say he/she feels happy.  However, they may only be saying this to please you and may actually feel sad, scared, confused, or lonely on the inside.  Watch for other cues that may indicate these feelings.

When your child does express his/her feelings about what happened, it is important that you accept those feelings no matter what they are.  Your child may hate the perpetrator.  Your child may love the perpetrator and miss him/her.  Most likely, your child’s feelings will shift back and forth during the healing journey.  When your child expresses his/her feelings, your response should be along the lines of, “Your feelings are normal and OK.”—no matter what those feelings are.

Be careful not to show extreme emotions to your child.  If you never want to see the perpetrator again, that is fine.  If your child misses the perpetrator, that is fine.  If you allow your child to know that you have an opposite feeling, your child may believe that his/her feelings are wrong (bad) and he/she may become confused—this does not help the healing process.

At some point, your child may feel angry towards you for not stopping the abuse.  Remember that children do not think like adults.  Children believe that adults are all knowing—that you know everything that happens in his/her life without having to be told.  Also, the child may have hinted that the abuse was occurring and feels that he/she was ignored.

With time and counseling, the anger towards non-offending caregivers will subside.

Tell your child that you will do everything you can to protect him/her from further abuse.  Do not promise that it will never happen again.  Simply say, “I’ll do everything I can to help keep you safe.”  Tell your child that you love him/her no matter what.

No caregiver wants to believe that their child has been abused.  You will likely find yourself wishing that your child was not abused.

Most children do not make up stories about sexual abuse.  Young children do not know about sexual activity unless they have been exposed to it.

It is crucial that you believe your child unless there is clear evidence to prove otherwise.  There may, and probably will be, inconsistencies in your child’s story about what happened.  This is normal in children as well as adults and happens in any account of a past event.  Believing your child, and letting the child know that you believe him/her, will better help your child heal from the abuse.

Children wait to tell for a variety of reasons.  Very few children tell after a first incident of abuse.  On average, a child endures 5 to 6 months of abuse before disclosing.  One in 10 children will endure abuse for over 5 years.  Some children never tell.

Your child probably did not disclose because he/she was afraid that you would be angry and would punish him/her.  Your child may be afraid that he/she would be taken away.  He/she may have felt that you would get into trouble for not stopping the abuse.  Your child may have felt like nobody would believe him/her.  If your child is younger, he/she may not have realized that something wrong was happening.  Your child may have been scared of/threatened by the perpetrator.  Your child may have been afraid that something bad would happen to the perpetrator.  The list goes on…

Your child may choose to never tell you much, or anything, about what happened.  If this is the case, do not assume that your child feels distanced from you.  In fact, your child may not go into much detail with you because you are close to him/her.  In other words, your child may not say anything to you because he/she does not want you to feel sad about what he/she has experienced.  They do not want to hurt you.

Even though these feelings may seem silly to you as an adult.  Remember that these feelings are very real to the child—and some of their thoughts are not entirely wrong.  If your child does not discuss what happened to you, it is important to find somebody who the child can/will talk to—contact a professional for assistance.

Remember, if you have questions about why your child waited to tell, ask a professional—not your child.  Emphasize with your child that you are proud of them for telling.  Tell them that, if there is something they have not told, telling when they are ready is OK.  It is never too late to tell.

Hopefully by reading this information, you have at least a small sense of how to handle the situation in these initial steps after you have learned that your child has been abused.  Of course, there is much more to healing than this site could contain.  Just remember to take it one step at a time.  This information provided at this site has been designed to help you make that first step.  Talk with and maintain contact with professionals—particularly those who are working directly with you.  We are here for your support.

Print out and review this information from time to time.  In summary it is perhaps most important to remember the following:

·        Keep your feelings separate from your child

·        Do your best to keep appointments with counselors, doctors, and others

·        Do not tackle this alone:  Develop system of support with friends, counselors, and professionals working with you

·        Continue with as much of your daily routine as possible—children find comfort in consistency

·        Listen to your child’s words and actions

·        Do not over-react when your child talks about the abuse

·        The best answer is an honest answer

·        Remember that you will need support too—this is stressful for your child and for you